Marriage Is Not a Continuation. It Is a Crossing.

One of the most common—and costly—misunderstandings about marriage is the belief that it is simply more of what came before.

More love.
More commitment.
More time together.

But marriage is not an extension of dating.
It is a threshold.

Anthropologists have long described thresholds as moments that change identity, not just circumstance. Arnold van Gennep, in The Rites of Passage, explained that certain transitions move a person from one social and psychological state into another. After a threshold, returning unchanged is no longer possible.

Marriage functions in exactly this way.

Before marriage, the relationship primarily serves the individuals within it. Compatibility, chemistry, personal fulfilment, and emotional resonance sit at the centre. After marriage, the relationship itself becomes the central organising reality. The question quietly shifts from “Does this work for me?” to “Who must I become so this endures?”

This is why many couples struggle—not because they lack love, but because they approach marriage with a continuation mindset in a threshold institution.

Research consistently shows that commitment is not just emotional; it is structural. Scott Stanley and Howard Markman’s work on commitment theory demonstrates that marriage introduces constraints and obligations that stabilise relationships precisely because they require orientation beyond momentary feeling. Commitment, in this sense, is not restrictive—it is formative.

Philosopher Hannah Arendt described promise-making as one of the few human acts capable of creating stability in an uncertain world. A promise does not preserve emotion; it preserves direction. Marriage, at its best, is a shared promise about who we will be when emotion fluctuates.

Seen this way, covenant is not about permanence of passion. It is about permanence of responsibility.

A threshold always asks something of us. It asks us to relinquish an old identity in order to step into a new one. Marriage asks us to release the freedom to prioritise the self unquestioned—and to accept the moral weight of shared life.

This is not a loss.
It is an exchange.

Marriage does not ask whether love will last.
It asks whether we are willing to be shaped by what we promise.

Sources

• van Gennep, A. The Rites of Passage — foundational work on thresholds and identity transitions

• Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. — Commitment theory and relationship stability (PREP framework)

• Gottman, J. & Silver, N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — research on commitment, trust, and shared meaning

• Johnson, S. Hold Me Tight — emotional safety and attachment in long-term bonds

• Arendt, H. The Human Condition — promise-making as a stabilising human act