Before You Cross the Threshold: Four Conversations That Change a Marriage

Marriage does not fail because couples stop loving each other.
It struggles when couples enter it without a shared understanding of what marriage will demand of them.

Long before conflict shows up, the foundations are already laid—in the conversations couples avoid, assume, or postpone.

If marriage is a threshold, then preparation is not about romance.
It is about orientation.

Here are four conversations that consistently distinguish resilient marriages from fragile ones.

1. What do we believe conflict does to love?

Some couples treat conflict as a threat. Others see it as information.

Research from John Gottman’s longitudinal studies shows that it is not the presence of conflict that predicts divorce, but how couples interpret and repair it. Couples who believe conflict means “we are unsafe” withdraw or attack. Couples who believe conflict means “something needs attention” stay engaged.

This conversation sets the emotional climate of your future.

2. How do we repair power after rupture?

Every marriage has moments where one partner holds more power—emotionally, financially, or psychologically.

The question is not if imbalance occurs, but how it is repaired.

Sue Johnson’s work in Emotionally Focused Therapy shows that emotional safety is restored not through logic, but through responsiveness and repair. Who moves first after disconnection? How quickly is responsibility taken? What does repair look like in practice?

Unspoken power rules quietly shape trust.

3. Where does our primary allegiance now sit?

Marriage requires a reordering of loyalties.

Extended family, work, personal ambition, and even children can all compete for first place. Research in commitment theory (Stanley & Markman) shows that marriages stabilise when partners are clear that the marriage itself becomes the primary alliance—not one priority among many.

This is less about exclusion and more about clarity.

Ambiguity here breeds resentment later.

4. What is our plan for seasons of suffering?

Every marriage will face periods where one partner cannot contribute equally—illness, grief, burnout, or loss.

Strong couples discuss this before it happens.

Who carries more when one cannot? How long? What stories do we tell ourselves about weakness? What help are we willing to accept?

Preparedness here is not pessimism.
It is realism infused with care.

Marriage does not require perfect answers to these questions.
It requires the courage to ask them together.

Compatibility may start a relationship.
Preparedness sustains a covenant.

Sources

• Gottman, J. & Silver, N. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work — conflict, repair, and marital stability

• Johnson, S. Hold Me Tight — emotional safety, responsiveness, and repair

• Stanley, S. M., & Markman, H. J. — commitment theory and relationship durability

• Rauer, A. & Volling, B. — family systems and shifting allegiances in marriage